The Benefit of a Friends’ Critical Words & Being the Critic

The Bible recommends having friends who love you enough to tell you what’s what. God’s wisdom says, “faithful are the wounds of a friend,” (Proverbs 27:6).

The greater one's love for a person the less room for flattery. The proof of true love is to be unsparing in criticism.
Moliere, The Misanthrope, 1666

I don't totally agree with the French playwright, but have long known that true friends offer honest criticism or brutal truth. As one who has received such wounds, I must understand that such words were painful for a friend to speak. How we respond to such goes far in determining our personal growth.

Embracing the Wounds of a Friend

 How valuable is a friend? This is the person who loves us at all times. Often, they are people we laugh with. But is your laughing friend a faithful friend. Measure it by their words. 

Do they tell you what you'd prefer hearing? Have they never spoke a word of concern about a bad decision you are making? What kind of friend does not  try to help you see the lights of an oncoming train? Is that a good friend? 

God's wisdom speaks highly of a friend whose faithful words produce wounds, these are words that hurt. Why, is this sort of friend valuable? 

• This type of friend loves you and is genuinely concerned about your well-being. A friend’s wounding words challenge you to improve or correct your course. That friend wants you to become the best you can be for the Lord Jesus.
• These valuable friendships contribute to your personal growth and spiritual maturity.
• A true friend does not shy away from addressing issues that need attention. Instead, they courageously speak up for your sake. The friend has nothing to gain.
• Wounds inflicted by a caring friend should be seen as acts of kindness to protect, challenge, or redirect.
• These people speak up to challenge us when they see us not becoming the best we can be.

Do you have a friend who always say, “Good job, you are doing great?” Everyone loves to hear such things, but I cannot recall a single compliment that challenged me to improve. Can you?

The Danger of Perpetual Affirmation

 A talented and capable couple was part of a leadership team decades ago. They had great potential. As single adults, they accepted wounding words from their pastor who was also their friend.

After marriage, the two became each other’s greatest fans, which sounds perfect. However, the couple did not really befriend each other because they affirmed each other’s folly.

Knowing the person they were married to was going to defend anything they did, or any attitude manifest, the two became defensive against any words that came close to being hurtful. The only voice they were willing to hear was that of their spouse - who agreed with them - no matter how foolish their behavior. 

It became a spiritual disaster because they armored themselves against the wounds of a friend.

 Evaluate Your Response to a Friend's Words that Wound

1. Do you value the wounds of a friend or become defensive?
2. Do you avoid those who have given you a wounding word in the past?
3. Is your response to seek someone to counter the wounding words - perhaps your spouse, best friend, children, or a sycophant?

The Hidden Benefits of Words That Wound

While it seems counterintuitive, a friend’s wounding words often catalyze significant personal growth. Such candid conversations have helped me see my blind spots and highlight areas for improvement.

• An elder told me, “Son, you can do better than this leading a service. This is boring. We do the same thing every time and he commenced to tell me the exact sequence:  songs, welcome, announcements, prayer for the sick, offering, more songs, preaching or teaching." His words hurt.Thankfully, he then coached me, "You should take 15-30 minutes to plan every service. Try new things that could allow the Holy Ghost to work.” With his hurtful words, I started working at making every service - midweek and Sunday alike different. No two services alike. 
• As our congregation faced a business decision, I came to what seemed to be a solid path forward. A church board member later said, “Pastor, would you consider this decision including . . ..” The words wounded me because they subtly indicated that I'd not done due dilgence. After considering his concern, I realized he was correct.
• After seven-plus years as an itinerant evangelist, my preaching was decent. Preaching was what I brought to our pastorate. It hurt badly when, after a few months, a mentor said, “Carlton, to develop these people, you must learn to be a Bible teacher and, at the end of the teaching, give people a call to action to be put into practice during the coming week.” I did not receive his words so our little group heard more preach, preach, preach. It took a while for me to realize that the people were not developing. They were nor praying better, evangelizing better, etc. No convert had become Sunday School teacher or part of the praise team, the way things were going they never would. My mentor’s wounding words were faithful, I started working toward becoming an effective teacher.  

Without these wounding words, I’d be leading boring services where we never did anything different, a church might still be paying off debt incurred under my leadership, and despite decent preaching, no convert would grow to a level of maturity.

Constructive criticism- the wounds of a friend- helps refine your character and actions. You become more self-aware. Spiritual growth is often nurtured through challenging interactions with friends who care enough to speak the truth.

True friendship involves honesty. Ultimately, considering and applying such feedback encourages both personal and spiritual development.

Practical Tips for Receiving Wounding Words  With Grace

Nobody likes to be wounded. Spiritually, do you suppose not correctly experiencing such wounds allows gangrene of the soul to set in?

1. Defensiveness is nothing more than protecting business as usual.
2. Distrust of a friend because you mistakenly imagine, “He does not like me as I am.” Perhaps they are concerned that you are content with mediocrity while you have the potential to grow into excellence.
3. Resentment follows. In this context, might resentment not be a synonym for bitterness?
4. I don’t need any friends to talk to me like that. Well, according to Proverbs, you do.

 How then can wounding words be correctly received?

 Handle criticism biblically by remembering the importance of patience and understanding. This causes you to listen carefully and consider how these words align with God’s values.

Comments from a friend who loves you come from a place of care and concern. Recognize that, like everyone else, you have room for growth. When I finally accepted my mentor’s instruction about teaching the Bible for application, the church began to sustain growth.

Be humble. It means acknowledging that you don't have all the answers. When words wound, ask for clarification or examples—this shows an openness to learning. You are not being defensive.

How to Offer Wounding Words with Love

Tough conversations require a delicate balance between honesty and compassion. It's essential to root your words in love. The phrase "speak the truth in love," in Ephesians 4:15 provides a guiding principle. Here are several principles to follow.

• Words that wound should be spoken one-on-one.
• Never tell another person the topic you are going to discuss.
• Prepare. Think through the conversation. Thoughtless words are dangerous.
• Before starting into a difficult conversation, I usually repeatedly ask, “You know I love you, don’t you?”
• Keep the goal in mind. The goal is not to destroy but to challenge and encourage.

Listen actively during such conversations, valuing their perspective as much as you want them to value yours. Listening helps create an environment of trust.

What to Do When Your Well-Intentioned Words Aren't Accepted

Coping with rejection, especially when your intentions are good, can be challenging. It is disheartening when a friend does not accept your words as intended, but there are ways to navigate through this.

Let the Bible guide you. Approach disagreements with love and understanding. Ephesians 4:2 says, "be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." This mindset helps maintain relationships.

 Prayer is a powerful tool when your words are rejected. Pray for clarity to see the situation through your friend’s eyes and from the perspective of the Lord Jesus Christ. Request patience from God so you can behave correctly.

Sometimes, the rejection is so absolute that it indicates nothing else you say will ever be heard. Unfortunately, this is the risk of being a faithful friend. Approach rejection as an opportunity for your personal growth.

The friend you have wounded may reject your words and close the door to you. It hurts to lose the relationship. But can you continue to pour yourself into someone who has no desire to improve? You must answer that question for yourself.

There are times when speaking further words to the person is a waste. Unless the Holy Ghost specifically directs you to do so - don't frustrate yourself with further effort. 

By embracing these practices—reflection through scripture, prayerful patience, and active listening—you build resilience against rejection while nurturing lasting bonds founded in mutual respect and empathy.